Jack Can't Cook

from Portable EFO Show

Jack can't cook, Jack can't cook
Jack can't cook, Jack can't cook
you can't judge a story by the cover of a book
so don't just Jack, 'cause Jack can't cook

jack can't cook, so be built himself a diner
where no one in the neighborhood thought it ought to be
packs chant "crook," so they built themselves a dummy
of hungry old jack burnin up in effigy

jack hates kids, so he married him a granny
who jack knew wouldn't have the land for his seed
but jack thought wrong, and the granny had a baby
and the baby looked a lot like jack indeed

jack left home, for a younger Venezuelan
who made a lot of showings, except in jack's bed.
had old jack been henry the eighth
then maybe anne boleyn just might have kept her head

Chorus

it ain't no thing if your plate is full
so why not send jack to culinary school

jack can't count, but his son was an accountant
who counted on being named the heir to jack's throne
but he lost out to his younger brother
who couldn't count either had the elder only known

jack can't stand the drive to his kitchen
so he ordered it moved into his backyard.
now jack can't stand the noise and the bitchin'
cuz it's near, ain't life hard

jack only has a name for his diner
and wouldn't you know it, it's after himself.
jack only has a model for his diner
next to the urn on his living room shelf.
now honest abe has a key to the city
and hungry old jack has a lot of self pity.

Chorus

Credits:

Michael Clem, J Fish Music/ASCAP

1998